So I'm doing a sociology course at university and its all about analyzing love and intimate relationships. What I'm learning is that our definition of love, isn't exactly our own. We have learned it from many different things, our up bringing, our parents and mainly what society expects of us and different thoughts it puts into our mind.
I don't know about you, but there are many women out there today who actively look for men in regards to what they have and how well they can provide for them. In fact there are many women "gold diggers" if you will ... look for men just for how much money they have, what car they drive and many other superficial things.
Now thats not to say, that there are qualities in that man, that also make them attractive but you know its still an issue.
Now lets not even look at something so extreme.
What about this idea of Valentine's day. What about having one month or yearly anniversaries. If you are in a romantic relationship what is expected of you at these times?
Are you considered a terrible couple if you don't celebrate these occasions?
And what happens when you go on a date? Girls don't you have people asking you after you go on a date .. "what did you do".
How great your date was ... depends largely on how much he went all out on you ... if he took you to a great restaurant, bought you flowers, paid for dinner and ra ra.
Now I'm not saying that you can't have simple dates as well. And I'm not saying that these are not meaningful and great experiences.
But what I'm saying is that there is this kind of consumerist attitude when it comes to love these days. Society is more and more determining how we should act, what a proper date looks like, what a proper wedding looks like and how you should act, love and respect your partner.
I mean lets just look at online dating these days. You have to write a profile, your interests your likes and blah blah. Since when did we become products to be bought and sold? Since when did love become a commodity?
I was even reading Dr Phil's Book "Love Smart"
I was like what the? .... If you sit down and really think about it .. its quite disturbing.
And i think that today that women and men, have these HIGH expectations of love and dating, that are almost impossible to meet.
There are people out there today .. who are single .. just because their expectations of having a guy who is 6 foot tall, handsome, wealthy .... blah blah are not being met exactly.
But its more like .. where do these expectations come from. And are they ever really attainable.
I think that its something to really think about.
The only solution really ... when looking for an ideal partner to look for values, beliefs and mindset, over the superficial qualities of what car he drives, what city he lives in ... or what job he has.....
Hot Alpha Female
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Well I'll leave Lance to tell his theory on physical attraction.
As far as the rest--similar values are obviously important, but for someone who really values physical belongings, then they're not going to share values in common with someone who doesn't make lots of money. Similarly, the city that you live in or the job that you have (or the education level you are) says a LOT about what you value, the beliefs and mindset you hold. So they seem like very valid ways to judge whether or not someone's right for you.
I wonder sometimes, do these websites that encourage this "think of yourself as a product" mentality really *create* this image? Or do we already think that way and this just makes it easier to connect? A little of both?
i love your blog, and what you do. very cool! i also kind of define myself as a "relationship expert". not because i've studied it, or been through it all, but i have good intuition, been through a lot (!), and i've watched my friends go through pretty much everything that i haven't. so it's great to see someone helping the dating community at large! good luck to you. and thank you so much for stopping by my blog!
can't wait to read more from you!
On that last note of wanting the perfect man, this is a huge trap most women fall into:
- They want a man to be charming, handsome, fun, adventurous, spontaneous, dominant etc. Basically the perfect guy
- They want him to love them for who they are...
Does anyone else see the problem here?
If you aren't willing to work on being attractive, how are you ever going to find a man like this AND THEN have him choose you over the (probably many hundreds) of other girls he has to choose from?
That's not to say you should ever lose your core values and beliefs, you still have to be yourself, just be your best self.
I love women who have everything in their life together, know how attraction works and want to make themselves better people, they are just so incredibly rare (just like amazing guys I guess).
I think romantic relationships HAVE to celebrate things like Valentines and Anniversaries. It's like putting a log on the fire.
That said, true romance comes from the unexpected moments - little dirty notes, chocolates, new panties, sex in the shower, etc. Whatever it takes.
interesting.
Alex~
Decriminalize prostitution.
Don't you know better than to read DR. Phil?
@ Honey: I think it just has this spiraling, self fulfilling prophecy affect.
We create it and in turn it creates us and how we act.
Think about it, the idea of romantic love as we see it today has only come about really .. in the last 200 years.
Today is more about equality of partnerships and all that ... back in the day .. that couldn't even happen!!
The family unit was an economic unit .. mum takes care of the house and dad brings in the money.
Times have changed and along with that so have our values.
@ Marissa: I'm so glad that i found your blog too!! Thanks for stopping by =)
@ Solace: You know i have heard stories of women going. I need to find myself an attractive multi-millionare to marry.
But the reality is .. that you have to become a person, that a man like that would want to be with too!!
@ Dadshouse: I def see what you are saying.
I just think ... why do we have to express our love .. on days which business's and commercial entities made up, just so they could make a profit.
I think all this sociology stuff is brainwashing me.
@Anon: Thanks =P
@Harold: What do u mean exactly?
@Bobby Rio: Yeh i mean the first half of his book was alright ... but it kind of went downhill from there. lol
thanks guys!
HAF
Now *that* was an "alpha" post.
You have to celebrate your relationship, just not necessarily on holidays and special occasions. But I think you're right. You have to look beyond the material and physical and find the person who 'fits' you.
Lol, I'm just being provocative and tend to say that when people start talking about provisioning and paying for her and so on.
I realize your post was about looking for shared/compatible values, so no problem there.
Anyway, when is the teleconference coming out?
HAF,
"The only solution really ... when looking for an ideal partner to look for values, beliefs and mindset ..."
Excuse me? Did you just agree with me? Have you been down with the flu for an extended period?
HAF, you are SERIOUSLY off your game. It is a game, remember?
Ecclesiastes,
Well we disagree on so many things, there was bound to be something that we eventually going to agree on.
But don't worry, it probably wont happen again *winks*
Shite, my last comment just crashed. Lemme know if it didn't get sent, otherwise I'll re-type.
hate to say it lance, but i didn't get any other comment than the one you just left about it crashing. lol
Damn, that sucks. Okay, here it goes again...
I actually agree with Dr. Phil, we have to think of ourselves in terms of products and marketing to really succeed in dating...afterall, finding a mate is just another market, maybe the most important market out there! Evidence of that is right here on your blog, where you're commodifying dating & relationships and making it your "business."
Much of pickup is borrowed heavily from sales, and I passionately believe that you need to market yourself properly in any type of social situation, whether is dating or business networking. Presentation and projection are everything.
I also think it's a little short sighted to think you can find a mate just based on values and interests. The whole thing has to be taken into consideration, including the physical and $$$. Unromantic, but true.
Oh yeah, my theory on physical attraction. My belief is your body tells you who your ideal mates are on a chemical/hormonal level, and it's in our best interest to listen to your body. You can game your way past any lack of physical chemistry, but the fact is, we're designed to create healthy progeny, and our bodies tell us when ideal mates are standing in front of us. I've become finely tuned to these chemical urges, and it's become a much more important point of attraction nowadays.
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