OK so last night while I was out shopping for a 21st birthday dress ... I had one of those light bulb moments. It lit up so freaken bright, I think I might have blinded myself.
So let me just set the scene for you guys so I know that we are one the same page.
It was Thursday late shopping night and it was the last chance to get something for my 21st birthday party on Saturday. If you haven’t noticed I don’t really enjoy planning and leave things to the very last minute =) Basically I had one night to find a dress that would scream "Birthday Girl!". So my mum was actually with me, and she was the real blessing in disguise.
So I had 3 hours to find an dress for my party and not a whole lot of hope. I rampaged about 20 shops, tried on at least 10-15 different dresses and by the end of the night I was no where near any closer to finding something that I really liked.
So let me cut to the end of the story. I did end up finding my perfect dress. Its everything that I wanted to find in a dress and it was perfect for the occasion.
But here is the thing ....
I found it at the very end of the night, in a shop I had never been in before, in a color that I wasn’t going for which looked like NOTHING I had in mind!!!
So if some of you may be thinking about what light bulb moment I had, then let me just explain. I realized that I was frustrated all night looking for a dress that I thought that I wanted, but in the end wasn't what I really needed. I almost didn’t see this perfect dress for me and it was only my mum who was looking outside a different scope for me, to see the potential in that dress.
See I was looking for a specific dress. And I thought at the time that when I saw it, I would be able to recognize it. N because I was only looking for a specific dress, then that “type” of dress was all that I was really seeing.
Now for those of you have haven’t caught on yet, that dress could also be an analogy for an ideal partner. Like how many of us, have a mental picture of what we would want our ideal partner to be? How many of us have these so called lists. And you know what, some of you may have lists of what you want in an ideal partner and not even know it!
And what I'm posing here ... What if that picture we have in mind about our ideal partners, isn’t what we really need or really want? What if the ideal partner that we have in mind, wouldn’t really be ideal for us anyway? What is you met someone who you “thought” was completely incompatible for you ends up being the right guy or girl for you?
N here is the other thing. Where did you get these ideals from anyhow? Why do you have them? Where did they really come from? Who says that you need to date a guy of a certain background? Who says that you need a guy of a certain age? Who really is the one that sets up all this criteria?
This is something that I really believe we need to think about here. Because I believe that if you dig far enough then you will find that you have cloned some of the values of society, of your friends, of your family and what you thought were really YOUR values, aren’t really yours at all.
So in short what was my light bulb moment. I think it was actually acknowledging, that as much as I plan to have an ideal partner of a certain type, height and background, I may very well get something completely different.
You know at the end of the day, don’t we just want to find someone to share our happiness with? N my enlightening moment, was actually finding strength, in just surrendering to the whole process. To stop judging people on such a face value form the get go .. and giving people a chance who I normally wouldn’t.
Last night I surrendered to the fact that MR Right ... might not be exactly how I imagined him to be .. and you know what?
That’s ok ...
Hot Alpha Female
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This is actually something I've been giving some thought to myself lately. I have a list, I mean really who doesn't these days, but I've been wondering if I too have been limiting myself too much.
As I'm sure you know, I have an age thing...I like 'em younger. But in the spirit of trying to open myself up a little bit, I actually have a date with someone older tomorrow night. Okay, so he's only a year older but it's a start right? ;)
The BF is what I thought I wanted in many ways, and not at all what I would have wanted in others. However, I'm not sure if I'd say those qualities that I didn't want are what makes him perfect for me. They're more like things that I suddenly realized were negotiable because he had so many other qualities that were more important.
Real interesting blog chick.
Keep up the good work.
Love this post on what you're looking for. At one point I thought I would only ultimately end up with a cute petite blonde....
how wrong I was.
AFC Adam
@Adam
he he..
really interesting. so from a females perspective how does "the list" :) break down.
so does it start external, like the dress, so
1) height
2) hair colour
etc etc
then does it move to say internal, like does the dress fit, so
1) funny
2) ambitious
3) intelligent
etc etc
or does it switch to say status, so how will people perceive me in the dress, so
1) is he rich
2) what will my friends think
3) will he elevate my social standing
etc etc
i think you've touched on an interesting topic here
crave
http://www.socialsupremacy.com
HAF - you're only 21?! Dang, if I had as much savvy as you when I was 21... :-)
Anyhow, interesting topic. After reading NML's book, I had a lightbulb moment too.
Basically, I've been looking for a carbon copy of my ex-fiance, who incidentally wanted to restart our relationship recently, but I wasn't interested. The guys I've been looking for had to have certain musical/fashion tastes, be creative, etc.
Now I've realised that it's not getting me very far, so I need to re-evaluate what makes a perfect partner for me.
I thought I knew what I wanted, and I don't; that's a scary thought. But ultimately it's where I need to start, so I can make wiser choices in the future. Compatible record collections alone does not a life partner make!
Good personal insight. I was talking to a platonic gf of mine last night about dating etc. She hasn't had a bf or been on a date in over a year and it's purely because her standards are impossibly high and her "Mr. Right" is basically a clone of her dad. She's 28. Hey, whatever floats your boat.
@LisaQ: You know while i was writing this article i also realized something. That maybe the qualities that i thought i wanted in a guy, might be qualities that i really don't want or need. SO then its just like .. having to re-evaluate EVERYTHING!
Its kind of like your thing with age, i have the same thing with height. Like i like tall guys @ least 6 ft and then i think to myself, what does that height really matter neways, you get over all that superficial stuff once you date a guy for a while neways.
So good luck for your date aswell! N yes one year older than you .. i think thats a massive improvement *winks*
@Honey: I agree girl, usually when we end up dating someone for a little while we end up liking all these things about them, that we didn't even know that we wanted in the first place.
@Crave: So you wondering which part of a guy most appeals to us first?
Well the best way i can answer that, is that i have been guilty in the past to judge people on more superficial things at first.
So looks, age, attractiveness and so one.
But i have found myself also incredibly attracted to people who also do not fit my criteria specifications, but because they have something unique, distinctive and appealing about them.
So i guess I'm trying to say, that at the end of the day superficial things, don't cut it. What is more important is the way that a guy can make you feel. That is why women date can date a not so good looking guy and be extremely happy with him.
One of the most instant attractive qualities i find in a man, is his mindset, the way he perceives the world and if he has a similar one to mine or can add to my own perceptions ... well thats just hot!
@China Blue: Yeh only 21 still a shite load to learn =)
Your revaluation is something that i experienced too! What we are looking for, may not be what we really need.
Before i was looking for someone who was just like me. But then i finally figured that .. that would just drive me insane and i would prefer to have someone who compliments rather than replicates who i am and what i am about.
@Lance: Yeh your gf needs some help. But the thing is, sometimes we need a smack in the head to actually see what it is, that we are doing wrong =)
Interesting blog. Sometimes what we think that make us happy just isn't so. I did meet someone who had all the physical "criteria" that I like but then I freaked out, too hot to handle!
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