Ever heard the saying “you teach people how to treat you?”. Well I’m totally applying that rule right here .... right now.
So here is the thing. I don’t really vent. Unless something seriously annoys the crap out of me.
Which isn’t often. I swear!!
No really!!
I love thinking about the good things in life. What’s possible. What there is to be grateful about. What a wonderful life I live.
With that said … there is one pet peeve that I really can’t stand and that I have to vent about here.
Of course it has everything to do with dating!
You guys wanna know what it is?
Ok here goes.
You might have gotten a bit of a clue from the heading. N mind you that heading was to just grab attention, so please no abusive emails. I would just enjoy that too much *winks*
I’m talking about putting people up on a pedestal.
Now I know it’s a problem for both sexes, but im going to focus here on guys putting a chick on a pedestal. N then im going to go into, how this really just annoys the crap out of us and WHY.
So what do I mean put on a pedestal. Well you know. Look up to. Admire. Thinking someone is just PUUUUURFCT. Having high expectations for them. Having unrealistic expectations for them. Thinking they are a goodness. Following them around like lost puppies. Asking them for their opinion because you don’t value your own. Calling them too often. Talking to them too often. Not giving them any space. Being needy, desperate and just way too attached.
Ok ok .. so maybe I was just getting a little carried away. But you know .. that was just so you got the point.
So here is the thing guys.
If you like someone and you put them on a pedestal .. then your chances of getting that chick are slim to none. Lets just say that its more probable to gain world peace and extract blood from a stone than it will be to get in with this chick.
Wanna know why is this bad?
Well let me tell you why.
She stops respecting you as an equal. When you put a chick on the pedestal then YOU hand her YOUR power on a silver platter. Now I know that guys like a challenge. N guess what?? So do chicks. Strange world right?
She doesn’t feel like she can be herself. You have these unrealistic expectations of her. N she feels this pressure to always be at her best. She doesn’t feel that she can be real .. because your so freaking deluded.
You alienate her. Its kind of like having a raving fan. They are so INTO you that you just can’t sit down and have a normal and decent conversation with them. You can’t relate to them. Its like you are on two different planes.
It's just too much DAM work! There are some guys that after I finish talking to them, I just feel like my energy has been sucked of me. lol. They are so needy and desperate and unload all their emotional crap on me. Now I have learned and when I see that coming .. I just act totally disinterested and bitchy just so I stop a whole truckload of worms from coming out.
You get the point.
When you put someone on a pedestal then you give your power to them. When you give your power to a chick …. Its hard to build attraction. Simple as that.
You guys can argue till the sun rises and the world ends. But that’s the simple truth right there. Accept it. Deal with it. N move forward from there.
Ok so that was my little vent from the night. Won’t happen again promise.
But girls what do you think? What have been your experiences with guys putting you up on a pedestal. Any of you girls actually enjoyed it? Or did it just annoy the crap out of you?
So here is the thing. I don’t really vent. Unless something seriously annoys the crap out of me.
Which isn’t often. I swear!!
No really!!
I love thinking about the good things in life. What’s possible. What there is to be grateful about. What a wonderful life I live.
With that said … there is one pet peeve that I really can’t stand and that I have to vent about here.
Of course it has everything to do with dating!
You guys wanna know what it is?
Ok here goes.
You might have gotten a bit of a clue from the heading. N mind you that heading was to just grab attention, so please no abusive emails. I would just enjoy that too much *winks*
I’m talking about putting people up on a pedestal.
Now I know it’s a problem for both sexes, but im going to focus here on guys putting a chick on a pedestal. N then im going to go into, how this really just annoys the crap out of us and WHY.
So what do I mean put on a pedestal. Well you know. Look up to. Admire. Thinking someone is just PUUUUURFCT. Having high expectations for them. Having unrealistic expectations for them. Thinking they are a goodness. Following them around like lost puppies. Asking them for their opinion because you don’t value your own. Calling them too often. Talking to them too often. Not giving them any space. Being needy, desperate and just way too attached.
Ok ok .. so maybe I was just getting a little carried away. But you know .. that was just so you got the point.
So here is the thing guys.
If you like someone and you put them on a pedestal .. then your chances of getting that chick are slim to none. Lets just say that its more probable to gain world peace and extract blood from a stone than it will be to get in with this chick.
Wanna know why is this bad?
Well let me tell you why.
She stops respecting you as an equal. When you put a chick on the pedestal then YOU hand her YOUR power on a silver platter. Now I know that guys like a challenge. N guess what?? So do chicks. Strange world right?
She doesn’t feel like she can be herself. You have these unrealistic expectations of her. N she feels this pressure to always be at her best. She doesn’t feel that she can be real .. because your so freaking deluded.
You alienate her. Its kind of like having a raving fan. They are so INTO you that you just can’t sit down and have a normal and decent conversation with them. You can’t relate to them. Its like you are on two different planes.
It's just too much DAM work! There are some guys that after I finish talking to them, I just feel like my energy has been sucked of me. lol. They are so needy and desperate and unload all their emotional crap on me. Now I have learned and when I see that coming .. I just act totally disinterested and bitchy just so I stop a whole truckload of worms from coming out.
You get the point.
When you put someone on a pedestal then you give your power to them. When you give your power to a chick …. Its hard to build attraction. Simple as that.
You guys can argue till the sun rises and the world ends. But that’s the simple truth right there. Accept it. Deal with it. N move forward from there.
Ok so that was my little vent from the night. Won’t happen again promise.
But girls what do you think? What have been your experiences with guys putting you up on a pedestal. Any of you girls actually enjoyed it? Or did it just annoy the crap out of you?
Guys, ever had a chick put you up on a pedestal. How did you feel?
Let me know your thoughts =)
Hot Alpha Female
22 Insights:
You completely hit the nail on the head here girl! Putting me on a pedestal and acting all needy and wimpy completely turns me off AND brings out my inner bitchiness. What's even worse is when it continues in the face of all that bitchiness. Ewww! Why would you continue to think the sun rises and sets on a person who is totally treating you like crap?!
And how the hell am I supposed to respect you if you don't respect yourself enough to call me out on it?
I want someone in my life I can enjoy spending time with--an equal. Not a fricking doormat! I mean think about it just a minute. What guy likes a girl who comes across all needy and what not? They don't. Same is true for us.
HAN;
I think you will enjoy this combination essay and rant from the "Heartless Bitch" site.
It is about the displeasure of being around "nice guys".
Men, read this essay, it is educational.
In a nutshell the author feels that there are insecure men who do favors for women to ( unconsciously ) manipulate them into not rejecting them. These men confuse being insecure with being "nice".
The author offers a good rule of a thumb to avoid this trap. If you wouldn't do something for a guy friend you shouldn't do for a female you just met:
http://tinyurl.com/rpg
“you teach people how to treat you”
Very true. I've noticed this in the work world. If you tell too many jokes people don't go to you to solve problems. They see you as the clown, not the doer.
In the dating world, women want strength.
A dash of humor shows a woman that you are strong by showing her that you are intelligent and you have the power to make her laugh, feel good.
However, being a joking asshole shows her that you can't read people. At the best that means she count on you being annoying around her and at the worst it shows her that you can't operate well among other people, which makes you weaker in society.
HAF;
You get the best pictures to go along with your blog entries!
And how the hell am I supposed to respect you if you don't respect yourself enough to call me out on it?
Well girl you said it right just there. Its all about respect. N while i repect everyone equally when i meet them .. I find it very hard to continue to respect anyone who does not respect themseleves.
I can't defend you for yourself. You have to do it!!!
N as harsh as it sounds putting a chick on a pedastal is like becoming a doormat. Well said. Completly agree.
Steve, thanks for the website i will definately be checking it. Thanks for all the great comments so far aswell =)
You teach people how to treat you
That is soooo true. N yes it does not only happen in the dating world and at work, it just happens in life as well.
You teach LIFE how to treat you.
Notice people that are always complaining about being sick are sick? People complaining about being in debt are always in debt.
Its a vicious cycle i know =)
I get my picture from inmagine.com great site for this kind of stuff =)
Cheers
HAF
I love to be admired (doesn't everyone?), but I don't like talking to someone who thinks I am perfect, but doesn't know me.
One such person thinks he can convince me to be with him, by beating me over the head with the fact that he likes me and thinks I'm the best thing ever... and the fact that this is signposted to obviously, and so early, in our friendship (I only know him online) means that the friendship will not ever get to that point. He actually said to me that he thought he could make me happy... and at that point I realised it was better to keep him at a distance. I have never given any indication that I am interested.
Being told you're wonderful and perfect from the get-go does not have the desired effect - it makes you realise that the person doesn't know you at all, and are simpy projecting their own desires onto you. They're building you up to be something you're not, which can only lead to disappointment.
to HAF,
Tell me more about not putting women on a pedestal. Does a man not want to do this after he has been out with her on 2-3 dates? Or does this work during the conquest?.......Men thrive on precision.....be as direct as you can.......hunter
It only leads to disappointment. Right on china blue =)
I mean of course you have high expectations of yourself. But its really difficult when other people impose their own expectations on YOU.
That just annoys me. So i see where you are coming from.
Of course like you said this doesn't mean that we don't like being admired and complimented. But there is a line that needs to be drawn.
so hunter i guess in answer to your question. Never put a girl on a pedestal. There is a difference between putting a girl up on a pedestal and complimenting her.
Also think that you are equal to a girl. That you are not above or below her.
Hope that answered your question.
HAF
To HAF,
...thank you...
Ugh... totally! I recently started dating again and there's something that just turns me off when a guy is like, you're amazing. Once is a compliment, repeated is just bad. You know what it makes me think? That there's nothing you can teach me, that there's nothing new you can show me because I know more than you, or I'm better than you. Three dates with one guy and I'm already done because he's just willing to push his schedule around to accommodate mine. Not hot. Not interesting. Not interested.
I think this is what I was trying to get at in my post on successful women who intimidate men. That the guys I did end up with could never show me anything new because they thought I was perfect.
Here's the deal: Think I'm great, treat me like I'm great, but don't say it so much, and be great yourself. Oh, and don't be in constant contact with me. Seriously. Let a girl breath. It shows you don't have better things to do than text message me.
hey holly,
i hear what you are saying 100%.
The thing when someone puts you that pedastal .. is that you are perfect.
Well as much as well like to think that we are. We are not. Not a single one of us.
For someone to hold that expectation of you .. is nice and flattering at first. But then its just downright annoying.
I really hate saying this. But guve us the all the power and soon we will start abusing it. Act like a door mat and we will start treating you like a doormat.
Its really hard to respect somebody and their time when they do not respect themselves.
None the less .. i think sometimes we can be too quick to judge if someone is a doormat or not ...
So really there has to be a balence.
Thanks for stopping by the blog =)
HAF
this is SO true! I've dated (and subsequently DUMPED) several guys who put me on a pedestal and literally I liked it for the first month but after that, I was done with it. why?
For me, I hated the fact that this man would literally bow down to me. He actually would do anything I wanted him to do and as a result, I completely lost respect for him. This has happened NUMEROUS times. After too many times of "I don't know - whatever YOU want to do is fine." or "Whatever makes YOU happy is fine with me." crap, I would dump the guy.
I actually just had this discussion with a guy I'm seeing now over the weekend. I told him that he needs to challenge me. He needs to be strong enough to say "You know - we're NOT doing that." or whatever because at that very instant, not only will I have respect for him, I'll also probably default to him as well.
For me it boils down to the fact that I spend all damn day at work making decisions so when I get home, I don't want to make any more decisions. I want an equal. I want someone to challenge me. I want someone who's not afraid to make the decisions sometimes. That's what men are SUPPOSED to do!
Great post! I'm sending it to the boyfriend now. ;)
I don't mind making the decisions/taking the lead on a date.....at the end of the date...I would rather not hear, "I would've liked that place better!...or, "We should have done this instead!"...........hunter
To Holly Hoffman,
Head shrink told me once, "Because of the time and expenses involved, you call a woman twice a week and go on a date every 2 weeks." How does that suit you for a contract?..................hunter
For some reason, probably because I'm nice and well-mannered, especially when meeting someone, they think I am this sweet little thing ... then they are shocked when the claws come out sooner or later! And then I have to remind them that I told them I was a bitch ... they just didn't believe me!
To monique,
...a woman tells me she is a bitch, I, believe her, most of the time, I will walk away..........hunter
OK, you're going to hate me.
I have to go back to my first assessment of you: combative girl with a "short-guy" complex. I think you have an attitude problem.
I think the reason you don't like being "put on a pedestal" is you know you don't deserve it. You disrespect the guy who puts you there because he's gullible and a tool.
That said, I suspect the only thing wrong with you is your attitude and your lack of true self-esteem.
I've seen this kind of thing before. The lazy-eyed girl grew up thinking she wasn't pretty. The guy seriously disagreed - since he was looking at her rear. She spend the next 5 years ruining her figure to prove she wasn't pretty. No kidding, she did that. By the time my Ex got through her self-esteem problems to recognize what she had done, it was years too late. Saying "I was wrong and I'm sorry" won't fix being 45 years old and 30Kg overweight.
Any woman I fall for, I'm going to admire her. She is going to be on that pedestal because she will have qualities and character that deserve to be admired.
Why would I want to be with a woman I didn't admire? A guy would have to be cynical and misogynous to go for a woman he didn't admire. I have met a bunch of those kinds of guys, and they always have women falling for them. Guys that don't bother with an address book because of the number of women that have HIM on speed dial.
I also expect that she will put me on a pedestal, too, because I will damn well deserve it. I have passion and compassion, honor and integrity, honesty and loyalty. Got it?
The reason I think the only thing wrong with you is your attitude is because I have learned to admire your poise, discipline, passion, intelligence, and kindness. Sure, you're hot. I wish you could know that you're good, too. I fear that someday you're going to throw it all away just to prove you're not good, to prove you shouldn't be admired and on a pedestal, to prove that it's good to be a b*tch.
Hate is such a strong word. I prefer to go with mildly irritating *winks*
I'm just kidding. =)
You know Ecclesiastes I use to take a little offense at some of the things that you used to say.
But I have come to the conclusion that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and have actually started to value the honesty that you present in your answers.
So thank you.
I see what you are getting with the ability to be admired and to be put up on the pedestal.
However its not that I feel I am unworthy of being on that pedestal. To be on that pedestal is something that I am used to and that I have had a lot of experience of in the past.
I do think that there is a line between respect and being on that pedestal.
I mean you can respect someone as an equal rather than someone better that you.
I think the main problem that I don't like when I am on the pedestal is the alienation. I don't know about you, but I would prefer to have my partner standing strong beside me, rather than looking up at me.
I think admiration is a great thing as well. And I think in a healthy relationship that partners will admire the other's certain qualities.
In relationships we really look for people who compliment us rather than who are replica of ourselves. We search for people who have qualities that we do not posses.
With that said I think that you have honest appreciation and respect for your partner without putting them on a pedestal.
At the end of the day im not talking about self worth. Im talking about relatedness. You relate to someone who is like a fan (puts you on a pedestal) n someone is acts more like your equal. N just because someone acts more like your equal does not mean that they respect you any less.
HAF
Pedestals are ambiguous, elevating both images of dear friends and the graven images of false gods.
Then, let us now draw this line.
Admiration is a thing to be desired and earned. Worship is not, as it is given without any standard at all.
Admiration is given amongst us. Worship is given from lesser beings like dogs, worms, and emos.
With that i would whole heartedly agree =)
HAF
Men all over the world worship their trophy wives(with money), because, if they don't, another man will...........hunter
to Hunter:
Men who have trophy wives worship their bodies, not the people themselves. As with any prize, though, the women are cast aside once their plysical value decreases... it's harsh, but I've watched several of my cousins go through that over the years... on a display-case until another, shinier toy comes along to displace them.
Are you thinking of a Sugar Daddy? They hand their wallets over to their spry young Sugar Baby's to keep them, because they know if they don't, they'll lose them to someone who will. Sugar Baby's are at an advantage in their bizarre lives (from my perspective, it's bizarre), whereas Tropy Wives are at a sad disadvantage.
to Ecclesiastes:
You understand, thank-you. That's sadly rare among my personal experiences, I hope your partners love, and respect you equally. =)
To HAF:
Your logical mind made me smile this morning, thank you for this post. I've passed this around to a few of my girlfriends: we each had our fair share of issues with "nice guys" who tried being our biggest raving fans, regardless of whether we were already in a relationship, or didn't want their intensely intrusive attentions...
I don't mind genuine nice guys, who are just naturally kind and honest to everyone. In fact, I love and cherish them, because encouraging that helps them teach other people to be that way... we could use a few more honest people in our world. =)
~Bergie, from Canada
Post a Comment