Photo Credit:Oth's PhotographyIts late and I'm tired. Yet this is when my creative juices are flowing the best! So here goes and please excuse any spelling mistakes(that goes for you lance!)
So what do I mean to say that being real seals the deal?
Well I guess what I'm pointing at is that being vulnerable and honest makes you more able to relate to anyone and everyone on a wider basis. N I'll cover the whole vulnerable thing with guys later on in this post.
Putting dating and attraction aside, lets first just look at relating to people in general.
The fact is that when you show your own mis-forgivings first, talk about your own mistakes before criticizing someone elses and are empathetic to someone’s situation, you are able to relate to people a lot more. You are instantly much more likable.
I think in business, in relationships and in life in general, we look at other people like they are impenetrable walls. We think that they are judgmental. We want to act cool and be above it all. Because that gives us a level of significance. When we get up and give a speech we want it to be perfect. We want to seem invincible.
Well here is the thing that I discovered, which I believe is one of the keys in being able to relate to people.
Be yourself, express who you really are and don’t be afraid to be different. I don’t know why we have it in our heads that we should be attempting to be someone that we are not. And the more that you can express your individualism the more that people will appreciate you for it.
Because you know what?
It takes guts to be who you really are. And when you have the guts to be yourself you also give that inspiration for someone else to do the same. Because you are able to accept yourself as you are and share that with them, they feel like they can do the same with themselves.
Your liberation helps to liberate others.
So how does all of this relate to dating?
Well it doesn’t ….
Just kidding =)
I guess in many ways for the girl, this means stop being so dam stuck up about yourself and just be genuine open and friendly. Stop being so guarded and be open to the possibility of have a nice and spontaneous conversation with a random guy that you just so happened to meet at the bus stop. Give more than you are willing to receive. Give someone a sincere compliment when you are given the opportunity. Attempt to make someone else’s day special. Stop judging and accept people for who they are. If you want to make an assumption about someone, make it a good honest and heart warming one.
Doing this will make you feel good. You know why? Coz it feels good to give.
And you know what feels even better than that??
Giving without the thought of receiving anything back. Giving for the sake of giving. Seriously guys you have to try it, its an amazing experience! Not only will it make your life fulfilling, but it will make you much happier. N well … what guy isn’t attracted to an open friendly and genuine girl?
Also it means, don’t try and be something that you are not. Don’t lose your sense of identity and individualism to please a guy. Don’t’ give up things that make you happy and that you enjoy to make someone else happy. Always remember to be real and to remember who you are.
Never forget that “ you are as good as the best and no better than the rest”.
Stop judging and start loving.
Now for the guys, I mentioned vulnerability. Well for you guys I'll replace that word with honesty. I think that you really can still build attraction while being brutally honest with yourself and about yourself.
Its all about keeping it real.
No-one wants to be around a guy who lies or dodges the truth. N girls especially don’t like guys that have overly big ego’s and seem to have to win every fight and argument. Yes building attraction is about having a level of control, and I think in you retain that control, by being truthful and honest about who you are. Having a strong sense of self .. knowing your weaknesses and being able to acknowledge them, takes a lot of self esteem and confidence.
What girl doesn’t want that in her man?
So what do you guys think? You reckon vulnerability and honesty is a good or a bad thing in attracting an ideal partner or relating to other people in general? What have been some of your experiences with this?
Let me know your thoughts - because you know I'm listening.
Hot Alpha Female
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14 Insights:
Ugh...it just takes too much energy to try to wear a mask and be something you're not. Why anyone would want to do that is soooo beyond me!
I'm a teacher. People are always telling me I'm not like any teacher they ever knew. Bingo! I'm unique, non traditional, and non conventional and I like it like that! Think how miserable I'd be if I tried to fit into that traditional teacher mold. No, thank you very much!
Hey lisa,
I totally see where you are coming from aswell. At the same time isn't our world riddled by people trying to conform?
I'm all about embracing who you really are and the more that you do that then the more the world appreciates you for that neways.
I'm so glad that you have to guts to teach your own style with your students and im sure that they learn more because of that too !! =)
HAF
I agree with you both 110%!
And in fact, I will go a step further and say that not being honest, not allowing your true self to shine through, only indicates a serious self esteem issue.
How many girls do we know who pretend to be dumb just for a guy? And guys who act like complete narcissist pricks just because it makes them 'appear' successful and confident.
Pfft.
Confidence doesn't mean being perfect, nor does it mean telling everyone how perfect you are, it means being you. And guess what? We are all imperfect!
But perfect in our imperfectness, so let it show, cause it takes more guts to just say 'eff it, this is me, take me or leave me, but love me for me'.
Great post HAF. me likey.
:-)
I completely agree with being yourself. However, what happens when you are yourself and you don't feel like you fit in? Do you just experience the discomfort and move on to other situations where you do feel comfortable?
THe "just be yourself" advice is great, if you are always in situations where people appreciate who "yourself" is. But, when you don't fit in, isn't that why people change there persona and possibly the root of a lot of problems?
Hey Anonymous
You know when we are ourselves and have the confidence to be ourselves no matter what the situation then isn't that all that really matters?
I think people attempt to be real to themselves and then they see that people may not like them initally. But if you stand true to yourself then you always come out on top at the end.
Its all about harnessing that internal strength that each and every one of has has within us and letting that shine out to the rest of the world.
I have found that it has been times where i have attempted to operate by every else's expectations and tried to mold that with my own personality that i have had things not work out so well.
You know its a scary to thing to be who you really are, because you could get rejected for it right? But you can only be rejected if you choose to look at it from that mindset.
I've learned that the hard way. thats why one of my motto's is "play full out or don't play at all" its just plain black and white.
HAF
Hmmm, I think those situations when you feel like 'yourself' might not be the best thing to be is when the BEST learning experiences happen.
For example, being able to adapt to any social situation, (or most), and being able to find aspects of yourself and a common denominator with the rest of the crowd can really be a useful skill.
Let's say you are on a date, and he suggests going to a pub to watch a game, you don't mind at all, but you get there and suddenly feel awkward. Well, it is a good opportunity to figure out what you do and don't like, and you don't have to pretend to be knowledgeable about the sport at all!
Just wait till commercial breaks and ask questions.
It's about not 'fronting'.
This happens to me sometimes and what I usually try to do is find something that interests me in the room/party/crowd and try to stick to that.
Like cheese? Stand near the cheese table.
Like music? Hang out by the DJ.
In this life we can't avoid all situations that we don't necessarily fit into, so developing skills to adapt (NOT fake, adapt) is really really handy!
And you can be yourself and still have fun!
Good post. Even if you're an alpha guy, you still need to be human, which means displaying vulnerability. Not only that, but a true man will easily admit and seek to work on fuckups. No reason to hide them...we all make mistakes.
so lance are you saying that you are an alpha male or were you just refering to that as an example?
Some great points you make there cheekie. I would say that its best to be honest about where you stand.
Even though it may be embarassing to say that you dont know about a game, once you are open and honest you can work on just being yourself while you are there.
You can have more fun, when learning about the game and you would probably end up being more endearing to your guy because you have shown that you don't really know it all ...
HAF
Part of being confident is not being afraid to show that vulnerable side.
The older I get, the more I start to realize that we waste too many years worrying about what others think of us.
I also have to say that most guys LOVE teaching us something...lol...and vice versa ;)
I have to say that I have some mixed feelings about this post, I agree with a lot of it but some things I'm not too sure about.
For example, I always cringe when I hear a girl give the "just be yourself" advice. To be "yourself" is to be the status quo, to stay the same. This advice works for people who are already confident, have good self-esteem and are genuinely comfortable with their current state of being. In that case the person probably wouldn't need the advice to begin with, so to say "be yourself" is kind of pointless.
On the other hand if a person doesn't think highly of themselves, has lots vulnerabilities and lots of insecurities then they will not have good self esteem and they will not be very confident, both important indicators of attraction. Thus, being themselves isn't helping matters at all.
Though I do think it is very important to recognize your vulnerabilities and insecurities, I think it is more important to fix them. I'm not saying that people should pretend to be someone else. I think the better advice is "to be your BEST self." People can still change and improve themselves without losing those personal qualities that make a person unique.
Interesting Matt, definitely.
I think though that as someone who has been on both sides of this , I have to say one thing.
Part of 'being yourself' is learning to accept your faults and vulnerabilities. That is what makes us human, we all have them, and not all of them necessarily need to be fixed. It is just who we are.
That being said, any of those quirks that are serious social setbacks need to be dealt with.
I guess it's because I have learned from my experience
and have come out the other side.
sort of. Even I have some of these insecurities that you mention, but I think the point is not letting them run your life, and accepting that we all have them...and that's OK.
To HAF,
Can you elaborate more on "honesty" in a relationship?........hunter
I love the idea of being more open and genuine. I take that as honesty.
Thanks for sharing. :)
hey matt,
i know what you are thinking when i refer to the term "be yourself".
Its that phrase that a lot of nice guys use, to give themselves as excuse as to why they arn't getting any chicks.
But i dont really mean it that way. I really was more referring to the fact that you don't need to show the world that you are something that you are not.
I think i mean, you dont have to be fake, you dont have to pretend that you are something that you are not.
when you acknowledge the fact that you are human too .. you kind of instantly are able to breakdown that barrier of being the other .. and you are now the same ...
man i hope that made sense. lOl none the less i love your quote " be your best self" i am in complete agreement with that!
Cheekie thanks for your input. I love what you say about being able to accept your vulnerabilities.
For example - when i got on stage and spoke to about 200 people. I didn't try and act like a know it all and i didn't try and come across as an expert in my field.
I'm simple told them what my story had been up to that point. Shared my frustrations and then shared what i had learnt.
The end result was that i have endeared the crowd and i KNOW for a fact that i would have not gotten the same response .. if i had tried to something or someone that i was not.
Hot Alpha Female
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